Sorry for all of the downer posts, but I’m kind of at a crossroads and trying to figure out how to navigate.
Have you ever spent a good chunk of time thinking that you are good at something…awesome at something…only to find out that people were
This is something that keeps on happening to me in my life. I get all sorts of positive feedback to find that people were either trying to build my confidence and therefore my skill, OR they were trying to avoid the backlash that could result…the blubbering, aimless fury of a soul-broken ennie. Way unpleasant and non-constructive ennie.
So now I’m in the mode of trying to rise above or at least be equal to the others on the team.
Kind of makes me wish people would have been gently, tastefully, kindly honest with me along the road. Kind of makes me wish that when people WERE gently, tastefully, kindly honest with me along the road in the past (and I know it has happened) that I responded in an open, positive way instead of being hurt and shutting down.
Because the more time passes, it doesn’t just hurt…I don’t have the words, really, to say how it feels. It feels like lies. Lies that I perpetuated by not being able to properly react, but lies people shouldn’t have ever told in the first place either. But can I blame them?
How am I reacting now? Well, trying not to cry. Trying not to shut down. Searching around to educate myself…are there classes? Searching for what steps I was taking that were wrong so I can correct them, and move onward and upward. But with that disapproval/rejection/disappointment having been revealed, how do I get back out on the field, with them there in the stands? Will they even let me go up to bat? How do I work myself up from the bottom of the lineup?
I think that the foundation of my skill HAS to be OK or else I wouldn’t have gotten positive feedback at all. Right?
What sucks is being the novice now, when previously I thought I was a black belt. I was lead to believe I was a black belt. And now I have to catch up and be competitive.
I have to check my ego at the door, and try to build self-confidence from there. How does one build self confidence without an ego? And how do I know if anything I’m doing is right with all these nice people around?
Too many questions, not enough answers. Ugh.